Dear Diary….

LOL!!!!  I was terrible at writing in my diary.  Literally….every time I had one it would start out like this…..

Dear Diary,

This time I’m going to be really good about writing in you every day!!!!

Then…..weeks later…..

Dear Diary,

Well…..I guess I wasn’t as good as I wanted.

Then a year later…..

Dear Diary,

Ok, I’m starting over and THIS time I’m going to be really good.

then……well, usually I’d buy a new one and start the whole thing over again! HA!!!!  I even had a super amazing Lisa Frank diary….with a lock 😉 and I was just a bit dramatic back then….of course I’m more sensible now!

So life has been a little crazy the past few months.  The end of the school year, house projects, super busy self employed hubby, and life in general.  I can’t lie and say I didn’t enjoy ignoring my blog for a while….it took off a bit of the pressure I was feeling.  Sometimes life just gets overwhelming and you need to cut some things, or put them on pause, so you can feel a little bit of the weight lifted.  I’ve had some interesting things happen and I can’t wait to start writing about them and getting back to this!  Forgive me for being MIA 😉

This time…..I will be better!!! HAHA!!!

Katie 🙂

We Are Strong. You Are Strong. I Am Strong.

My life was filled with abuse, betrayal, struggle, broken hearts, and lies.  I didn’t let it define me in a negative way.  I used my struggles to become the person I am today….I didn’t know at the time I was tough.  I never saw myself as strong.  I didn’t see myself as someone of any worth.  I was told by people all around me that I would never be anything or anyone.  I was told all the time that I wasn’t important, wasn’t worthy, and wouldn’t succeed.  Maybe their definition of success was wrong….because here I am now.  I’m strong….I had to find my strength, but I did.  I am worthy…..I am loved….and I help other people find that.  I’ve made mistakes, and I’ve taken wrong turns.  I’ve believed in people who never believed in me.  I have hit rock bottom. I found myself alone too many times because I believed what they all told me.  They were liars.  They were there to bring me down…..and they couldn’t.  It may have seemed at times that they did…..but I always got back up.  But not always by myself….there were many hands that reached down to pull me up to where I am today.  True people….with good hearts.  I’m here today….the person I am today….because of everything I went through in the past.  I let it define me….but only as someone who doesn’t let their struggles bring them down.  As a person who overcomes.

Don’t let your past define you in a negative way.  That is just too easy.  Use your past as inspiration to move forward stronger and wiser.

Katie.

Unchanging Bonds

Yesterday I gathered with a group of people I consider family as we supported our friend at the memorial service for his son.  This is no ordinary group of people…..but co-workers who learned to lean on each other through all the good and bad times in our lives.

I worked for 13 years at the State of Michigan as a case worker.  I processed applications for food assistance, Medicaid, disability, and emergency services.  I handled caseloads much higher than I should have, and I came home most days exhausted and emotionally spent.  13 years of hearing people at their worst.  Most of the time I was yelled at by clients and/or managers.  I was cussed out, threatened, begged, and hardly ever thanked.  It was the best and worst job I ever had….something I had hoped would be my life long career…..but that wasn’t meant to be.

The relationships I made during my time there are still strong.  We are the only people who understand what we went through on a daily basis.  We went through hell together.  We went through milestones together.  We laughed to try to forget how hard the days were.  We saw each other be treated like machines rather than people.  And we always supported each other.  These people became my family.  And even though I’m no longer there, our bond is still that strong.   A place like that changes you, it makes you different, and no one else understands that.

As we all sat together and cried as our friend expressed his love for his only son in front of a crowded church…..I was reminded of our deep bond.  I cried for him and his loss….and I felt that loss.  This was a person I called my work husband.  He is truly an amazing person, someone you can always count on, and it broke my heart to see his pain.  As I hugged him afterwards….many times….it was like no time had passed…..even though a million things have happened since I last saw him.  But people like this…..time doesn’t change how we are together.

Ironically…..today is the anniversary of the day that I started that job.  January 13, 2003.  16 years ago today I started a job that would lead me to people I cannot live without.  No matter the outcome of that job…..I will forever be grateful for that.  And they all feel the same way….we need each other.  Time or distance will never change that bond.

Katie

Are You Thankful?

Now….I didn’t ask what you are thankful for…..I was very specific with my question.  Are you actually thankful?

Anyone who has gone through hard times will tell you that it’s not easy to find a reason to be thankful when you are in the moment.  The difficulty you are facing is what consumes your every thought and feeling…..but even in those horrible times, there are reasons to be thankful.

Was I thankful that I went through cancer?  No.  Thankful that I had to go through aggressive treatments that nearly killed me?  No.  Thankful that I’m still living with the effects of cancer treatments today? No.  But I’m here.  And let me tell you, I am thankful for that.  And looking back……I’m thankful for so many other things.

I’m thankful for friends and family that never turned their back on me.  I’m thankful for medical professionals that worked tirelessly to save my life.  I’m thankful that I grew as a person through one of the hardest times of my life.  I’m thankful for the opportunities that have come my way and the friends I have made because of my journey.  I’m thankful.

I know what you are thinking….it’s easy to look back and say you can be thankful, because you are no longer in it.  I know.  You are absolutely right.  We go through horrible awful times….and this post isn’t trying to take away from that.  When we are broken, down, out, defeated, and just done……you don’t want some happy person coming along telling you to count your blessings.  I’ve had those people, and I want to throat punch them.  Everyone gets to have their feelings.  You can sit in them and feel them….but you do have to come out.  That is when you look around you and find at least one thing to be thankful for.  That one thing will keep you going and get you started.

Life is really sucky right now.  Maybe it’s that time of year….or maybe sucky things are just happening all around me right now.  People I love are going through awful things.  People are losing their lives.  People are being diagnosed with diseases that can kill them.  People are facing hardships that can crush them.  I feel it.  I am too.  And it’s so much easier to sink in to my broken heart and stay there.  I’ve been trying every single day to be thankful.  Some days I don’t.  Some days I just can’t.

But I am thankful.  I have a beautiful family, and they are all safe and healthy.  I have food to feed them and a house to keep them in.  I have friends that are like family.  They lift me up when I’m falling.  Right now I have my health, migraines be damned!

I’m no Mary Sunshine….but finding at least one thing to be thankful for while you are going through hell can sometimes give you a glimmer of hope.  And that glimmer is what you go toward to get yourself out of it.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving, where ever you may go.

Katie 🙂

Those Same Old Feelings….

I was sitting at my daughter’s soccer game a couple of weeks ago, enjoying the cooler air and the kids running up and down the field.  This is my favorite time of year…..I enjoy just about everything about it.  As I was watching though….a familiar smell caught my attention.  It was cologne, one of the dads was wearing.  I was immediately taken back to the time of my cancer treatment….in the fall of 2003.  My husband wore the same cologne…..and now the smell makes me sick.  And even though I love the fall…..sometimes the feel of fall brings on all the ways I felt during that time.

I remember the way the leaves would dance across the road as I drove to my treatments.  I remember the feel of the cool crisp air as I would walk in to the office.  I remember the smells of the chemicals and treatments around me as I sat in my recliner receiving poisons in to my body.  I remember the dark and moody clouds on Saturday mornings when I had to be driven back to get my Neulasta shot.  I remember feeling sick as death as my fiance would get ready to leave for work….and put on that cologne.  All of those smells, sights, and feelings bring it all back.  It makes me sad that I can’t just enjoy this time of year.  I don’t feel it every day, but there are times when the memories hit me and I can close my eyes and be back there!

Every.   Single   Year.  No matter what, or how long it’s been…….it always comes back.  I’m thankful to be out of it…..but those feelings will always linger.  It hangs over my head.  I can’t walk in to any medical facility without getting a touch of upset stomach and flashbacks.  I will still enjoy my hats and sweaters, coffee on the beach, and beautiful fall colors…..and I will reflect on all I’ve been through that has made me who I am now.

 

Katie

Summer Vacation!!!

I know I’ve been missing…..and it was intentional! I’ve literally not had a summer off since junior high….like most people….and it was amazing!  I was able to spend time with my kids, be lazy, have a garage sale, and finally recuperate my poor brain from all the abuse of the past few years!  I needed this….and I think my family needed me to have this!

I’ll keep this short….no one needs all the details of my amazing summer!  I’ll share some pictures and leave it at that.  School starts for my kids tomorrow and we are all getting back to a routine.  I’ll start up my blogging again…..it’s like my back to school time too!

Katie 🙂