I am beyond thrilled to have my story featured on the Love What Matters website!!! A chance for my story to be spread further in hopes of reaching anyone who may need to see it! Check it out! I’m so excited!!!!
Now….I didn’t ask what you are thankful for…..I was very specific with my question. Are you actually thankful?
Anyone who has gone through hard times will tell you that it’s not easy to find a reason to be thankful when you are in the moment. The difficulty you are facing is what consumes your every thought and feeling…..but even in those horrible times, there are reasons to be thankful.
Was I thankful that I went through cancer? No. Thankful that I had to go through aggressive treatments that nearly killed me? No. Thankful that I’m still living with the effects of cancer treatments today? No. But I’m here. And let me tell you, I am thankful for that. And looking back……I’m thankful for so many other things.
I’m thankful for friends and family that never turned their back on me. I’m thankful for medical professionals that worked tirelessly to save my life. I’m thankful that I grew as a person through one of the hardest times of my life. I’m thankful for the opportunities that have come my way and the friends I have made because of my journey. I’m thankful.
I know what you are thinking….it’s easy to look back and say you can be thankful, because you are no longer in it. I know. You are absolutely right. We go through horrible awful times….and this post isn’t trying to take away from that. When we are broken, down, out, defeated, and just done……you don’t want some happy person coming along telling you to count your blessings. I’ve had those people, and I want to throat punch them. Everyone gets to have their feelings. You can sit in them and feel them….but you do have to come out. That is when you look around you and find at least one thing to be thankful for. That one thing will keep you going and get you started.
Life is really sucky right now. Maybe it’s that time of year….or maybe sucky things are just happening all around me right now. People I love are going through awful things. People are losing their lives. People are being diagnosed with diseases that can kill them. People are facing hardships that can crush them. I feel it. I am too. And it’s so much easier to sink in to my broken heart and stay there. I’ve been trying every single day to be thankful. Some days I don’t. Some days I just can’t.
But I am thankful. I have a beautiful family, and they are all safe and healthy. I have food to feed them and a house to keep them in. I have friends that are like family. They lift me up when I’m falling. Right now I have my health, migraines be damned!
I’m no Mary Sunshine….but finding at least one thing to be thankful for while you are going through hell can sometimes give you a glimmer of hope. And that glimmer is what you go toward to get yourself out of it.
Have a blessed Thanksgiving, where ever you may go.
This is something I will always write about…..because it had such a great impact on my life. Another year will come and go…..without my baby sister.
I’ve talked about her before….we lost her a couple of weeks before her first birthday from meningitis. It devastated our family. She would be 29 this year…..and it’s just one of the really weird things that line up for this year…..
I was 10 and in the 5th grade when she passed away 11/9/1990. I remember the day….it was a half day at school on a Friday. I was excited to ride the bus home without the high school kids…..we got to sit in the back when they weren’t there. This year…..my oldest daughter is 10, in the 5th grade, and has a half day this friday, the 9th. Crazy, eh? She was also named after my sister, her middle name is Rebecca. And just a little bit of a stretch….I had Hailey a couple of weeks before I turned 29….. I can’t help but look at my daughters and the relationship they have with each other. I’m so extremely thankful I had all girls…..because I missed out on having a sister in my life. I love seeing them together and knowing they have something so precious.
And at this age……I can look back and see just how many “sisters” I have and had in my life. They always say that if you can find just a few close friends in your lifetime you have been extremely blessed. I can say that I’ve had so many amazing women in my life that I can call sister….and even though I still feel heartbroken over the fact I didn’t get to go through life with mine….I’ve had so many women to step in and help fill that void.
So in this anniversary month where I remember my sister, I also count my blessings. I have 3 beautiful daughters who will get that sister relationship, and I have so many beautiful friends that are like sisters.
I was inspired to write this post because of my Facebook memories. I really love the feature, seeing all the posts over the years without having to search and scroll through endless posts. This particular one I’ve done several times on the 4th of July, change my profile pic. It’s an old picture, and I do it more often than not, just because of the theme. Obviously it’s the picture with my post, but there is a story behind it…..of course!
This picture is from my first Relay for Life as a cancer fighter. I was going through treatment at the time, and I had joined my oncology office’s relay team….Soles for Souls. I loved my oncology team, they felt like family. But this wasn’t my first Relay….it was my 2nd. My first time was the year before. My boyfriend at the time, now my husband, and I were part of our church team.
I made the decision to join the team after meeting a new client to me. I worked for the state DHS office, and this family came in because they needed extra help. The mom/wife had been diagnosed with breast cancer, and they were needing more help than their insurance and finances could offer. For some reason I was very drawn to this family. I had a heart for many of my clients, but this family really got to me. I helped them find all the resources they could use and talked often with them about her treatment progress and prognosis. This was a case I had during my first year on the job, and I had not yet been hardened by the job. I felt a special connection to the cause that year…..so I took part in the Relay. Later that year, when I received my own diagnosis……I had the chance to meet with that same family for a routine review. When I broke the news to them….we all cried together. It was surreal that I had such a connection to this woman, and then was faced with the same battle.
That next year when I decided to fully participate in Relay….this beloved client had lost her battle. I was devastated, heartbroken, and terrified. She was the only client I attended a funeral for……and eventually I lost touch with her family as their needs changed. I have always had a special place in my heart for her, and I wonder about her family often.
Seeing that picture makes me remember that time and how some people are placed in your life for a reason. I don’t know if knowing her made me more aware of myself when I discovered my tumor? Maybe I was more willing to see a doctor for it rather than ignore it because I was too young. I’m not sure…..but I do know the profound impact she had on me and I’m forever grateful for that. She was a kind person with a compassionate heart. She comforted me in the beginning of my journey as hers was coming to an end.
That first year I walked in Relay during the survivor lap…..I didn’t walk alone. I walked in her memory….and promised myself that I would always support those going through this horrible disease. It’s an incredible feeling to have walked with so many people that survived cancer….and be with people all remembering those we have lost.
Rest in peace J.
There have been two very public people who recently lost their lives to suicide. And yes…..I said lost their lives. They have made public a very real issue in our world, one that is still so hard for people to talk about openly. There are so many misconceptions about suicide and mental illness.
I used to be that person. The one who thought you just had to snap out of it, and you would be fine. That taking your life was just a coward’s way out. I thought all of this even after I had my own time of crisis my first year in college.
I truly thought if I snapped out of it and everyone else should be able to do the same thing. Then life hit again…..and it got bad again, and I couldn’t just snap out of it. I found myself falling in to myself…..deeper and deeper. Life was crazy around me and it helped me fall further…..until I actually had to get help. Mental illness runs in my family. Depression, anxiety, and I’m sure other undiagnosed things. I truly believed that you only had to change your attitude and you could be fine. I also had people all around me telling me…..just count your blessings…..you are better off than most…….you are stronger than this. Those are people who just don’t know and have never experienced it. Or they are like me, and don’t know yet just how bad it can be.
Going through cancer and living with my new normal life after gave me a new perspective on life. Life is complicated, difficult, heartbreaking, and just so damn hard. And sometimes you just can’t help the way your mind works against you. When I was going through therapy a few years ago, I told her about something I heard that made it all click for me. Your brain is another organ in your body…..and just like your heart, or liver, or any other part of your body…..it can get sick. And when you get sick…..you treat it. Sometimes your mind truly plays against you. It doesn’t mean you as a person is bad…..but your brain is sick and makes you think some terrible things. Some people never get over what their brain is telling them and it becomes overwhelming. And your brain will tell you that you don’t need help. Overcoming those thoughts to get help is one of the hardest things……and I will never again look at someone to dies by suicide as weak or as a coward. Something is wrong and they never got the help they truly needed. This is controversial! There are people who strongly believe they are cowards and selfish. I used to be that person, even in the midst of my own personal trials.
You know when a person you love isn’t well. You can tell they are different, changing, or in a bad way. Sometimes you have to be the person they need…..the person who steps in and helps them realize they aren’t alone and they need some help. Getting help isn’t a sign of weakness. And getting help can literally be life or death.
NO ONE IS ALONE!!!!!! Do not be afraid to reach out and ask for help, ask for a listening ear, lean on those that are willing to be there. We have seen recently just how deep those feelings can go, no matter how successful you are, loved by the world you are, rich you are, or strong you think you are…….this hits everyone.
My heart breaks for those who didn’t realize it didn’t have to be so hopeless……but I also have a better understanding for those thoughts that are hard to fight. Honestly…..I struggle daily with thoughts that creep in and I know what I need to do if they become to overwhelming or strong.
Please feel free to reach out to me if you feel lost, alone, and hopeless. I may not have the perfect words or solutions…..but I’m a willing listener and supporter.
Every fall I find myself feeling the same way I did when I started chemo. That nauseous feeling….just that general uneasiness that came with putting poison in your body. Without fail….every fall…..I’ll have that feeling for a bit. The same thing happens in the spring….but for a very different reason. Every May I would find out I’m pregnant…..and morning sickness would come with it. I have 3 beautiful daughters….so looking back it wasn’t so bad, but my 3 miracle daughters didn’t come easily….and the journey was also filled with heartbreak. And it’s crazy….that I can actually show the timeline of my pregnancy journey with pictures from when I would go to relay for life.
I was given the go ahead to try for a family after my 5 year mark. I wasn’t sure how it would go, there were no guarantees…..but we would try! I had gone in to menopause during treatment, but seemed to come back to normal when it was done.
The first time I found out I was pregnant…..I can’t even describe the excitement we felt! Like all our dreams were coming true and cancer hadn’t done anything to me! We were beyond thrilled and even put together special ways to announce it to our families. We were making plans, going over names, dreaming of the future. It was just perfect. But I should have known…..life had already shown me what happens when you think everything is perfect and nothing can go wrong.
I was extremely happy to tell my oncologist’s office….this was their victory too. This was a big deal, and they were also so happy! When I attended the Relay for Life that year…not only did I get to celebrate with all those people from the office, but hear my oncologist speak! He’s a brilliant man and he even made a little comment about me….of course didn’t mention my name….but it meant a lot. The pic below is the moment I realized he was talking about me.
Sadly……that day…..I miscarried. It was ironic that it happened that day…..and it was beyond devastating. I figured I’d done something wrong….no matter what the books said…..I was sure I did this. Why would something like that happen after all we had gone through? It was so extremely unfair and heartbreaking. I don’t know what our families did with the items we gave them to announce our good news….but thankfully I’ve never seen them again. We actually tried again really soon, got pregnant, and miscarried again that same year. Then I took time off. It was so hard to prepare my heart for the possibility of losing another baby.
So we waited. Until the year our first child would have been born. Like I said….we never had any trouble getting pregnant. It was keeping the pregnancy. We found out that my progesterone was not staying high enough during the first trimester. So they put me on a supplement. A magic pill that “kept me pregnant”. That’s how it felt, and let me tell you…..that is the only pill I’ve ever taken regularly and not missed a day. It was hard to stop when they told me I was safe…..and I took them until they ran out.
So my third pregnancy….I was so scared to go to Relay. It’s funny how you associate things or circumstances with what you have gone through. The irrational part of my brain was sure that Relay was causing me to miscarry…..I KNOW THAT IS CRAZY! But….you know how it is. So yes….I was terrified and actually went to the bathroom every five seconds (it felt like) to make sure all was well. This is us that year……along with my amazing oncologist and his also amazing wife…..the medical team that saved me and cheered me on!
And in February 2008 we welcomed our miracle baby to the world. It was a journey that was so difficult, heartbreaking, devastating, and overwhelming. I know that we are extremely blessed to have the outcome we did….not everyone is as fortunate.
Getting to bring her to Relay the year she was born felt like a huge victory! Like laughing in the face of evil cancer……like….here she is. We did it. You didn’t steal this from me. That survivor lap was the happiest one I’d taken since my first.
We were blessed with 2 more daughters along the way, and even though our last was never part of our Relay life, (as we stopped attending), it was special to be able to bring our girls to the event and celebrate the entire journey and the way life has turned out. I didn’t know if I would survive cancer. I didn’t know if we could have kids. I didn’t know if we would be able to have our own kids.
Everything we have gone through has shown us just how precious life is. How blessed we are. Every single day with these dorky crazy mini versions of us is just pure happiness! We just celebrated Mother’s Day…..and admittedly I had to stop and cry when I typed that. I’m so extremely blessed to be a mom….my girls are the most amazing and beautiful thing that I’ve ever had a part in creating…..and even though my journey to becoming a mom as so hard…..I can look back and say it was so worth it.
This is a post I’ve been thinking about since I started this blog. I’ve started it, deleted it, started it again….and nothing ever sounds right. And that is because the subject of this blog isn’t right…or fair…..and honestly just so heartbreaking.
Today is the 2 year anniversary of the day I lost my friend, mentor, and pink sister. She was one of my heroes. And I had something amazing written…..finally……and lost it all due to a computer glitch. Maybe that was better…..to keep my words and just share what I was hoping to add.
I’m going to post the video we created for all the pink events. This was the day I met Denise….and started a relationship, friendship, and partnership that I’m so extremely grateful for.
So here are my good memories of Denise…..even though today I will be reflecting on mostly the sadness…..I always want to remember the happiness. She would want it that way.