Sometimes….You Just Want To Lay On The Floor.

Sickness is going through my house this week, and today was our second trip to the walk-in clinic.  It’s no fun, and definitely pure torture for kids.  This is my middle daughter….and she was just done.  Didn’t feel good, bored, tired, hungry….just all around miserable.  She decided that laying on the floor was all she needed.  I wanted to speak up and tell her how dirty that floor was and it’s not a good idea…..but it made me remember something.

Years ago….15 years ago, I was going through chemo.  Every 3 weeks on Thursdays I’d get my full dose of it.  It would last until the early evening.  I would then come back on Saturday mornings to get my Neulasta shot.  By Saturday mornings I was done.  Miserable.  Not eating.  Not drinking.  It took everything for me to move, and getting in to a car and sitting at a doctor’s office was not high on my list of happy things to do.  But I went…every time.  My husband would drive me….and we would wait.  There were times I’d throw up there.  Times I’d have to get fluids.  And this one time….while the waiting area was full of people in similar situations….I just couldn’t take it anymore.  I got on the floor and just stayed there.  My husband tried to get me up….the floor is dirty, this is crazy….everything.  But I didn’t care.  It felt so good to just be there.  Not moving, not sitting, and not caring.

It seems so stupid, how something so simple can help, but it truly did.  And this morning, as my poor sick daughter was laying on the floor…I didn’t have the heart to tell her to get up.  She needed that moment…and I let her have it.  I’m sure I’ll be judged….but sometimes in life you just have to do what you need.  And this morning….she needed this and for me not to tell her it was wrong.

Katie 🙂

Love What Matters!

I am beyond thrilled to have my story featured on the Love What Matters website!!!  A chance for my story to be spread further in hopes of reaching anyone who may need to see it!  Check it out!  I’m so excited!!!!

Love What Matters

Katie 🙂

Are You Thankful?

Now….I didn’t ask what you are thankful for…..I was very specific with my question.  Are you actually thankful?

Anyone who has gone through hard times will tell you that it’s not easy to find a reason to be thankful when you are in the moment.  The difficulty you are facing is what consumes your every thought and feeling…..but even in those horrible times, there are reasons to be thankful.

Was I thankful that I went through cancer?  No.  Thankful that I had to go through aggressive treatments that nearly killed me?  No.  Thankful that I’m still living with the effects of cancer treatments today? No.  But I’m here.  And let me tell you, I am thankful for that.  And looking back……I’m thankful for so many other things.

I’m thankful for friends and family that never turned their back on me.  I’m thankful for medical professionals that worked tirelessly to save my life.  I’m thankful that I grew as a person through one of the hardest times of my life.  I’m thankful for the opportunities that have come my way and the friends I have made because of my journey.  I’m thankful.

I know what you are thinking….it’s easy to look back and say you can be thankful, because you are no longer in it.  I know.  You are absolutely right.  We go through horrible awful times….and this post isn’t trying to take away from that.  When we are broken, down, out, defeated, and just done……you don’t want some happy person coming along telling you to count your blessings.  I’ve had those people, and I want to throat punch them.  Everyone gets to have their feelings.  You can sit in them and feel them….but you do have to come out.  That is when you look around you and find at least one thing to be thankful for.  That one thing will keep you going and get you started.

Life is really sucky right now.  Maybe it’s that time of year….or maybe sucky things are just happening all around me right now.  People I love are going through awful things.  People are losing their lives.  People are being diagnosed with diseases that can kill them.  People are facing hardships that can crush them.  I feel it.  I am too.  And it’s so much easier to sink in to my broken heart and stay there.  I’ve been trying every single day to be thankful.  Some days I don’t.  Some days I just can’t.

But I am thankful.  I have a beautiful family, and they are all safe and healthy.  I have food to feed them and a house to keep them in.  I have friends that are like family.  They lift me up when I’m falling.  Right now I have my health, migraines be damned!

I’m no Mary Sunshine….but finding at least one thing to be thankful for while you are going through hell can sometimes give you a glimmer of hope.  And that glimmer is what you go toward to get yourself out of it.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving, where ever you may go.

Katie 🙂

Another year…..

This is something I will always write about…..because it had such a great impact on my life.  Another year will come and go…..without my baby sister.

I’ve talked about her before….we lost her a couple of weeks before her first birthday from meningitis.  It devastated our family.  She would be 29 this year…..and it’s just one of the really weird things that line up for this year…..

I was 10 and in the 5th grade when she passed away 11/9/1990.  I remember the day….it was a half day at school on a Friday.  I was excited to ride the bus home without the high school kids…..we got to sit in the back when they weren’t there.  This year…..my oldest daughter is 10, in the 5th grade, and has a half day this friday, the 9th.  Crazy, eh?  She was also named after my sister, her middle name is Rebecca.  And just a little bit of a stretch….I had Hailey a couple of weeks before I turned 29…..    I can’t help but look at my daughters and the relationship they have with each other.  I’m so extremely thankful I had all girls…..because I missed out on having a sister in my life.  I love seeing them together and knowing they have something so precious.

And at this age……I can look back and see just how many “sisters” I have and had in my life.  They always say that if you can find just a few close friends in your lifetime you have been extremely blessed.  I can say that I’ve had so many amazing women in my life that I can call sister….and even though I still feel heartbroken over the fact I didn’t get to go through life with mine….I’ve had so many women to step in and help fill that void.

So in this anniversary month where I remember my sister, I also count my blessings.  I have 3 beautiful daughters who will get that sister relationship, and I have so many beautiful friends that are like sisters.

Katie 🙂

 

Those Same Old Feelings….

I was sitting at my daughter’s soccer game a couple of weeks ago, enjoying the cooler air and the kids running up and down the field.  This is my favorite time of year…..I enjoy just about everything about it.  As I was watching though….a familiar smell caught my attention.  It was cologne, one of the dads was wearing.  I was immediately taken back to the time of my cancer treatment….in the fall of 2003.  My husband wore the same cologne…..and now the smell makes me sick.  And even though I love the fall…..sometimes the feel of fall brings on all the ways I felt during that time.

I remember the way the leaves would dance across the road as I drove to my treatments.  I remember the feel of the cool crisp air as I would walk in to the office.  I remember the smells of the chemicals and treatments around me as I sat in my recliner receiving poisons in to my body.  I remember the dark and moody clouds on Saturday mornings when I had to be driven back to get my Neulasta shot.  I remember feeling sick as death as my fiance would get ready to leave for work….and put on that cologne.  All of those smells, sights, and feelings bring it all back.  It makes me sad that I can’t just enjoy this time of year.  I don’t feel it every day, but there are times when the memories hit me and I can close my eyes and be back there!

Every.   Single   Year.  No matter what, or how long it’s been…….it always comes back.  I’m thankful to be out of it…..but those feelings will always linger.  It hangs over my head.  I can’t walk in to any medical facility without getting a touch of upset stomach and flashbacks.  I will still enjoy my hats and sweaters, coffee on the beach, and beautiful fall colors…..and I will reflect on all I’ve been through that has made me who I am now.

 

Katie

Summer Vacation!!!

I know I’ve been missing…..and it was intentional! I’ve literally not had a summer off since junior high….like most people….and it was amazing!  I was able to spend time with my kids, be lazy, have a garage sale, and finally recuperate my poor brain from all the abuse of the past few years!  I needed this….and I think my family needed me to have this!

I’ll keep this short….no one needs all the details of my amazing summer!  I’ll share some pictures and leave it at that.  School starts for my kids tomorrow and we are all getting back to a routine.  I’ll start up my blogging again…..it’s like my back to school time too!

Katie 🙂

 

Summer Life….

As I took a minute to sit and catch my breath…..I realized I’m a little behind on posting here.  Life has taken over and taken me away……but I’ll be back 🙂

Our family is planning a yard sale, and the weeks since school got out has been filled with camp, and busy schedules, and sorting the crap in our house to sell to other people.  I’m REALLY hoping this weekend is finally it, and I will welcome strangers in my front yard to go through my things and hopefully they will pay me money to take them home.

I’m tired and ready for my house to feel less chaotic…..but just wanted to put something out there that I’m still here…..just buried under life right now 🙂 And almost any free time we have…..we’ve been spending at the pool!!!!

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As always, if anyone ever wants to reach out, I’m always open!  If there is anything someone wants me to touch on when I finally make my way back…..let me know that too!  Just shoot me an email 🙂

But for now…..I’m going back to the boxes and getting this done!

Katie 🙂