I was sitting at my daughter’s soccer game a couple of weeks ago, enjoying the cooler air and the kids running up and down the field. This is my favorite time of year…..I enjoy just about everything about it. As I was watching though….a familiar smell caught my attention. It was cologne, one of the dads was wearing. I was immediately taken back to the time of my cancer treatment….in the fall of 2003. My husband wore the same cologne…..and now the smell makes me sick. And even though I love the fall…..sometimes the feel of fall brings on all the ways I felt during that time.
I remember the way the leaves would dance across the road as I drove to my treatments. I remember the feel of the cool crisp air as I would walk in to the office. I remember the smells of the chemicals and treatments around me as I sat in my recliner receiving poisons in to my body. I remember the dark and moody clouds on Saturday mornings when I had to be driven back to get my Neulasta shot. I remember feeling sick as death as my fiance would get ready to leave for work….and put on that cologne. All of those smells, sights, and feelings bring it all back. It makes me sad that I can’t just enjoy this time of year. I don’t feel it every day, but there are times when the memories hit me and I can close my eyes and be back there!
Every. Single Year. No matter what, or how long it’s been…….it always comes back. I’m thankful to be out of it…..but those feelings will always linger. It hangs over my head. I can’t walk in to any medical facility without getting a touch of upset stomach and flashbacks. I will still enjoy my hats and sweaters, coffee on the beach, and beautiful fall colors…..and I will reflect on all I’ve been through that has made me who I am now.
I know I’ve been missing…..and it was intentional! I’ve literally not had a summer off since junior high….like most people….and it was amazing! I was able to spend time with my kids, be lazy, have a garage sale, and finally recuperate my poor brain from all the abuse of the past few years! I needed this….and I think my family needed me to have this!
I’ll keep this short….no one needs all the details of my amazing summer! I’ll share some pictures and leave it at that. School starts for my kids tomorrow and we are all getting back to a routine. I’ll start up my blogging again…..it’s like my back to school time too!
As I took a minute to sit and catch my breath…..I realized I’m a little behind on posting here. Life has taken over and taken me away……but I’ll be back 🙂
Our family is planning a yard sale, and the weeks since school got out has been filled with camp, and busy schedules, and sorting the crap in our house to sell to other people. I’m REALLY hoping this weekend is finally it, and I will welcome strangers in my front yard to go through my things and hopefully they will pay me money to take them home.
I’m tired and ready for my house to feel less chaotic…..but just wanted to put something out there that I’m still here…..just buried under life right now 🙂 And almost any free time we have…..we’ve been spending at the pool!!!!
As always, if anyone ever wants to reach out, I’m always open! If there is anything someone wants me to touch on when I finally make my way back…..let me know that too! Just shoot me an email 🙂
But for now…..I’m going back to the boxes and getting this done!
I’ve been struggling this month, facing the reality that my baby is no longer my baby. I’ve been seeing all these milestones she is passing….and they are the last time any of my kids will pass them. It’s making me all weepy and I feel like a crazy cry baby. It’s so freaking hard to look at her and not see my youngest little baby girl. She is now a sassy, smart, and too big for her own good kid. On her way to kindergarten. Ugh!!!!!!!
I posted recently about my struggle to be come a mom, and how blessed I am to have my three amazing daughters…….and that was the start of an emotional rollercoaster that I can’t seem to get off. MY BABY ISN’T A BABY ANYMORE!!!!! None of my girls are babies anymore….my oldest is starting act a lot older than I’m ready for her to be! And even though I’m so happy to be in this stage where they don’t need me as much……I find myself asking……why don’t the need me as much? I’m all over the place with this! I know I’m not the only one…..but this is making me feel crazy!
I’m so happy for my baby as she graduated from preschool…..but I’m not so happy that she’s not really a baby anymore. I know……just wait until high school graduation. I have a few years to go on that…..but if my blog is still up at that point…..you will get the same post about my teary eyed self with much older babies 🙂