I was sitting at my daughter’s soccer game a couple of weeks ago, enjoying the cooler air and the kids running up and down the field. This is my favorite time of year…..I enjoy just about everything about it. As I was watching though….a familiar smell caught my attention. It was cologne, one of the dads was wearing. I was immediately taken back to the time of my cancer treatment….in the fall of 2003. My husband wore the same cologne…..and now the smell makes me sick. And even though I love the fall…..sometimes the feel of fall brings on all the ways I felt during that time.
I remember the way the leaves would dance across the road as I drove to my treatments. I remember the feel of the cool crisp air as I would walk in to the office. I remember the smells of the chemicals and treatments around me as I sat in my recliner receiving poisons in to my body. I remember the dark and moody clouds on Saturday mornings when I had to be driven back to get my Neulasta shot. I remember feeling sick as death as my fiance would get ready to leave for work….and put on that cologne. All of those smells, sights, and feelings bring it all back. It makes me sad that I can’t just enjoy this time of year. I don’t feel it every day, but there are times when the memories hit me and I can close my eyes and be back there!
Every. Single Year. No matter what, or how long it’s been…….it always comes back. I’m thankful to be out of it…..but those feelings will always linger. It hangs over my head. I can’t walk in to any medical facility without getting a touch of upset stomach and flashbacks. I will still enjoy my hats and sweaters, coffee on the beach, and beautiful fall colors…..and I will reflect on all I’ve been through that has made me who I am now.