I was inspired to write this post because of my Facebook memories.  I really love the feature, seeing all the posts over the years without having to search and scroll through endless posts.  This particular one I’ve done several times on the 4th of July, change my profile pic.  It’s an old picture, and I do it more often than not, just because of the theme.  Obviously it’s the picture with my post, but there is a story behind it…..of course!

This picture is from my first Relay for Life as a cancer fighter.  I was going through treatment at the time, and I had joined my oncology office’s relay team….Soles for Souls.  I loved my oncology team, they felt like family.  But this wasn’t my first Relay….it was my 2nd.  My first time was the year before.  My boyfriend at the time, now my husband,  and I were part of our church team.

I made the decision to join the team after meeting a new client to me.  I worked for the state DHS office, and this family came in because they needed extra help.  The mom/wife had been diagnosed with breast cancer, and they were needing more help than their insurance and finances could offer.  For some reason I was very drawn to this family.  I had a heart for many of my clients, but this family really got to me.  I helped them find all the resources they could use and talked often with them about her treatment progress and prognosis.  This was a case I had during my first year on the job, and I had not yet been hardened by the job.  I felt a special connection to the cause that year… I took part in the Relay.  Later that year, when I received my own diagnosis……I had the chance to meet with that same family for a routine review.  When I broke the news to them….we all cried together.  It was surreal that I had such a connection to this woman, and then was faced with the same battle.

That next year when I decided to fully participate in Relay….this beloved client had lost her battle.  I was devastated, heartbroken, and terrified.  She was the only client I attended a funeral for……and eventually I lost touch with her family as their needs changed.  I have always had a special place in my heart for her, and I wonder about her family often.

Seeing that picture makes me remember that time and how some people are placed in your life for a reason.  I don’t know if knowing her made me more aware of myself when I discovered my tumor?  Maybe I was more willing to see a doctor for it rather than ignore it because I was too young.  I’m not sure…..but I do know the profound impact she had on me and I’m forever grateful for that.  She was a kind person with a compassionate heart.  She comforted me in the beginning of my journey as hers was coming to an end.

That first year I walked in Relay during the survivor lap…..I didn’t walk alone.  I walked in her memory….and promised myself that I would always support those going through this horrible disease.  It’s an incredible feeling to have walked with so many people that survived cancer….and be with people all remembering those we have lost.


Rest in peace J.


Father’s Day

Today is Father’s Day and I didn’t have the greatest growing up. It was super important for me to find a husband that would be the amazing father I didn’t get to have. I was always worried I’d be one of those stereotypical girls who ends up marrying the same bad guy they grew up with.

I was pretty sure I found that guy when I met and started dating Adam. Our relationship was perfect from the start. We had great conversations, the same crazy sense of humor, and always had a good time. The longer we were together I knew that he was going to be the one I would be with the rest my life. Then life through us a major curveball, and it’s one of those things that some people never recover from.

We were not even engaged when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Part of me thought that he should run away when he had the chance, because this was something that no one should have to go through by choice. Instead, he showed me the kind of person he truly was and asked me to marry him. He stuck by my side through the worst of times before we were even married.

After everything was fine, and the year started going by, we started to think and talk about having kids. We both knew we wanted to be parents, but we had no idea if we would be able to have children of her own. In my mind, I was terrified that he made a commitment to someone it would never be able to give him children of his own. He said that he was OK looking at other options, but it was something that broke my heart and made me question if I should just let him go. When we started the journey of having kids on her own, it didn’t go very well at first. We have two little babies that we never got to know and live in our hearts. When we finally realized why I was not keeping up my pregnancies, we were able to take care of the problem and I finally gave him what I always wanted to, the child of his own. Seeing him become a dad, and be the kind of doubt that I always wish that I had had, is such a blessing to me. I love seeing him with our girls, and know that he is completely devoted to them.

He is patient, kind, and loves them more than life. He supports them, listens to them, and is just the best father I could ever imagine. It makes my heart so happy to know that I was able to break a cycle like that, and overcome something so awful and have a family with this amazing man. So today, and every day, but especially today I wish him the happiest Father’s Day!!! He is truly a blessing and I love him more every day!

Let’s Talk About It….

There have been two very public people who recently lost their lives to suicide.  And yes…..I said lost their lives.  They have made public a very real issue in our world, one that is still so hard for people to talk about openly.  There are so many misconceptions about suicide and mental illness.

I used to be that person.  The one who thought you just had to snap out of it, and you would be fine.  That taking your life was just a coward’s way out.  I thought all of this even after I had my own time of crisis my first year in college.

I truly thought if I snapped out of it and everyone else should be able to do the same thing.  Then life hit again…..and it got bad again, and I couldn’t just snap out of it.  I found myself falling in to myself…..deeper and deeper.  Life was crazy around me and it helped me fall further…..until I actually had to get help.  Mental illness runs in my family.  Depression, anxiety, and I’m sure other undiagnosed things.  I truly believed that you only had to change your attitude and you could be fine.  I also had people all around me telling me…..just count your blessings… are better off than most…….you are stronger than this.  Those are people who just don’t know and have never experienced it.  Or they are like me, and don’t know yet just how bad it can be.

Going through cancer and living with my new normal life after gave me a new perspective on life.  Life is complicated, difficult, heartbreaking, and just so damn hard.  And sometimes you just can’t help the way your mind works against you.  When I was going through therapy a few years ago, I told her about something I heard that made it all click for me.  Your brain is another organ in your body…..and just like your heart, or liver, or any other part of your body… can get sick.  And when you get sick… treat it.  Sometimes your mind truly plays against you.  It doesn’t mean you as a person is bad…..but your brain is sick and makes you think some terrible things.  Some people never get over what their brain is telling them and it becomes overwhelming.  And your brain will tell you that you don’t need help.  Overcoming those thoughts to get help is one of the hardest things……and I will never again look at someone to dies by suicide as weak or as a coward.  Something is wrong and they never got the help they truly needed.  This is controversial!  There are people who strongly believe they are cowards and selfish.  I used to be that person, even in the midst of my own personal trials.

You know when a person you love isn’t well.  You can tell they are different, changing, or in a bad way.  Sometimes you have to be the person they need…..the person who steps in and helps them realize they aren’t alone and they need some help.  Getting help isn’t a sign of weakness.  And getting help can literally be life or death.

NO ONE IS ALONE!!!!!!  Do not be afraid to reach out and ask for help, ask for a listening ear, lean on those that are willing to be there.  We have seen recently just how deep those feelings can go, no matter how successful you are,  loved by the world you are, rich you are, or strong you think you are…….this hits everyone.

My heart breaks for those who didn’t realize it didn’t have to be so hopeless……but I also have a better understanding for those thoughts that are hard to fight.  Honestly…..I struggle daily with thoughts that creep in and I know what I need to do if they become to overwhelming or strong.

Please feel free to reach out to me if you feel lost, alone, and hopeless.  I may not have the perfect words or solutions…..but I’m a willing listener and supporter.


Every Spring….

Every fall I find myself feeling the same way I did when I started chemo.  That nauseous feeling….just that general uneasiness that came with putting poison in your body.  Without fail….every fall…..I’ll have that feeling for a bit.  The same thing happens in the spring….but for a very different reason.  Every May I would find out I’m pregnant…..and morning sickness would come with it.  I have 3 beautiful daughters….so looking back it wasn’t so bad, but my 3 miracle daughters didn’t come easily….and the journey was also filled with heartbreak.  And it’s crazy….that I can actually show the timeline of my pregnancy journey with pictures from when I would go to relay for life.

I was given the go ahead to try for a family after my 5 year mark.  I wasn’t sure how it would go, there were no guarantees…..but we would try!  I had gone in to menopause during treatment, but seemed to come back to normal when it was done.

The first time I found out I was pregnant…..I can’t even describe the excitement we felt!  Like all our dreams were coming true and cancer hadn’t done anything to me!  We were beyond thrilled and even put together special ways to announce it to our families.  We were making plans, going over names, dreaming of the future.  It was just perfect.  But I should have known… had already shown me what happens when you think everything is perfect and nothing can go wrong.

I was extremely happy to tell my oncologist’s office….this was their victory too.  This was a big deal, and they were also so happy!  When I attended the Relay for Life that year…not only did I get to celebrate with all those people from the office, but hear my oncologist speak! He’s a brilliant man and he even made a little comment about me….of course didn’t mention my name….but it meant a lot.  The pic below is the moment I realized he was talking about me.


Sadly……that day…..I miscarried.  It was ironic that it happened that day…..and it was beyond devastating.  I figured I’d done something wrong….no matter what the books said…..I was sure I did this.  Why would something like that happen after all we had gone through?  It was so extremely unfair and heartbreaking.  I don’t know what our families did with the items we gave them to announce our good news….but thankfully I’ve never seen them again.  We actually tried again really soon, got pregnant, and miscarried again that same year.  Then I took time off.  It was so hard to prepare my heart for the possibility of losing another baby.

So we waited.  Until the year our first child would have been born.  Like I said….we never had any trouble getting pregnant.  It was keeping the pregnancy.  We found out that my progesterone was not staying high enough during the first trimester.  So they put me on a supplement.  A magic pill that “kept me pregnant”.  That’s how it felt, and let me tell you…..that is the only pill I’ve ever taken regularly and not missed a day.  It was hard to stop when they told me I was safe…..and I took them until they ran out.

So my third pregnancy….I was so scared to go to Relay.  It’s funny how you associate things or circumstances with what you have gone through.  The irrational part of my brain was sure that Relay was causing me to miscarry…..I KNOW THAT IS CRAZY!  But….you know how it is.  So yes….I was terrified and actually went to the bathroom every five seconds (it felt like) to make sure all was well.  This is us that year……along with my amazing oncologist and his also amazing wife…..the medical team that saved me and cheered me on!


And in February 2008 we welcomed our miracle baby to the world.  It was a journey that was so difficult, heartbreaking, devastating, and overwhelming.  I know that we are extremely blessed to have the outcome we did….not everyone is as fortunate.  img_2035

Getting to bring her to Relay the year she was born felt like a huge victory! Like laughing in the face of evil cancer……like….here she is.  We did it.  You didn’t steal this from me.  That survivor lap was the happiest one I’d taken since my first.


We were blessed with 2 more daughters along the way, and even though our last was never part of our Relay life, (as we stopped attending), it was special to be able to bring our girls to the event and celebrate the entire journey and the way life has turned out.  I didn’t know if I would survive cancer.  I didn’t know if we could have kids.  I didn’t know if we would be able to have our own kids.

Everything we have gone through has shown us just how precious life is.  How blessed we are.  Every single day with these dorky crazy mini versions of us is just pure happiness!  We just celebrated Mother’s Day…..and admittedly I had to stop and cry when I typed that.  I’m so extremely blessed to be a mom….my girls are the most amazing and beautiful thing that I’ve ever had a part in creating…..and even though my journey to becoming a mom as so hard…..I can look back and say it was so worth it.


Katie 🙂

Another Year!!

Today is my birthday!  Feel free to send me all kinds of birthday greetings 🙂  I’ve always loved birthdays….they are usually terrible for me, but I still love them.

I have even more reason to celebrate every year….even though I love to lie about my age….I’m extremely grateful to be here to celebrate each year that I get.  I know how close I came to not being able to celebrate this age, and how many people don’t get the chance.  I’m so grateful, and thankful, and blessed.  Each and every year is my best birthday gift.

I’ve got a little side by side thing here….a picture of me celebrating my birthday during chemo….and one of me more recently.  Yes….I did pick a really good after picture of me…but we have filters now….so why not use them?


Even at this time during my treatment, I didn’t realize how bad I was…..and I’m glad I didn’t.  I had a lot of hope and determination to make it to my next birthday….and my next….and my next.  I’m thankful for every day I have….and the chance to celebrate my….ahem……39th birthday.  Ugh.  Just kidding….but if you ask my kids, they will probably tell you I’m 29 😉

Happy Birthday to me!!

Katie 🙂

Not Everyone Can Say The Right Thing….

We have had massive flooding where I live, and I’ve been seeing the struggle all around me. People are sharing their frustrations and experiences….and mostly people are supportive and sympathetic.  Then there are those who just can’t say the right things.  Sometimes their thoughts are not intended to be mean or cruel…..some are, but I’m not talking about them.  There are people…..and I’m one of them….who no matter what they think….the words that come out are not always the best.  I struggle with this a lot…and end up saying nothing to prevent my stumbly self from making someone feel bad.  This is why I was so understanding of those who said the wrong things when I went through chemo….and even to this day.  Not everyone understands what you are going through and want to show their support in any way they can.  It’s not every person’s strong suit.  There are people who should be professional supporters.  The beautiful and perfect things they say could be poetry…and then there is me and all the others like me that just seem to say one long DUUUHHHHH.   Ugh.

There were a lot of people who said some pretty horrible things to me.  I was able to recognize they weren’t trying to hurt me.  Sometimes the things your heart feels and your mind thinks just don’t come out right.  Not everyone is as understanding….I’m not easily offended.  And maybe because I suffer from the same thing…..I get it.  I’ve often asked to write rather than talk….it’s easier and less awkward.  I tend to speak before I think….and that leads to some backtracking and explaining….I always feel sorry for people who have to endure me in conversation.

Not everyone is out to offend.  Just remember that….not everyone truly understands and they try to show their support and love no matter what.  They want you to know they are thinking about you…..they just can’t express it like a poet.   All of this coming from someone who often has to remove her foot from her mouth.

Katie 🙂

You Never Know…..

I thought I had life figured out at 24.  Great job….great life….sure about my future.  Life always has a different plan, though.  I learned that.  But I had no idea exactly how different the plan for my life would be.  Everything is as it should be….but every turn has been a wake up call that you are not in control!

I’ve never been a person to be in the spotlight.  I’ve always been a behind the scenes girl.  Sure….I’ve sung in church and was forced to be in plays, but other than that…..I’ve been happy to sit on the sidelines and cheer for those who can shine.  There was always that secret part of me that thought it would be cool…..but really….it was never me.

Getting diagnosed with cancer put me in a spotlight I didn’t like at the time.  I didn’t want anyone to know I was sick or what I was going through.  I was extremely worried that everyone could tell by looking at me.  But as time went by…..going through treatment and everything….I began to change.  I became more open about what I was going through.  I didn’t have a clear idea of any mission…..but I felt strongly that people needed to know what I was going through.  So they could understand it, be part of it, relate to it.  I didn’t know then, but I know now, that this was the beginning of a crazy new life.  I can’t say that cancer was a blessing….but something you have to find the good out of a horrible situation.

I started to meet other cancer survivors and those fighting it.  I started slowly getting involved.  At first it was Relay for Life.  I walked every year.  I have a ton of survivor pins and shirts.  I looked forward to it.  As I met more people, I became involved in more things.  What stands out most is meeting my friend Denise Bohn.  She was like a magnet.  I was drawn to her from the moment I heard of her.  She is known locally to me, but for anyone else…..Denise was a news anchor for local tv and radio stations.  She was diagnosed with breast cancer after me, and was very public about it.  I was intrigued by this woman who was so bold to share her story with EVERYONE!  She didn’t care that she was a public figure.  She wanted to spread awareness and give hope to others.  I wanted to know her.  It would be years later that I got that chance, and it started a friendship I’m forever grateful for.  She invited me to be part of so many things, and the most important to me was the Pink Tie Ball.  I started as a committee member and photographer, and then she made me speak.  If you knew her…you knew you didn’t say no.  She had a way of making you want to be part of it.  She changed my life.  When I lost her…..I lost a huge part of my heart.  She inspired me so much……but I never expected to be walking in her shoes.  I was blessed to take on the job she left behind.  It was humbling and inspiring.  I met some of the most amazing people and became part of some of the most amazing events.  I would speak at them, host them, help plan them, support them.  I felt like I was all over the place and living a dream life.  And it was a dream life! Truly……there are some things I’ve been able to do that have just been amazing.  And if not for her encouragement, I would never have started being involved.

This past weekend I hosted the 4th annual Pink Tie Ball.  The 2nd without her.  Standing at that podium and addressing all the guests still felt like a dream.  How is this my life?  The reality of this event going on without her hits me hard sometimes.  This was her baby….her dream.  Sometimes I really feel strange standing in her place.  I’ve been told that she was grooming me for this…..getting me prepared for something like this in my life.  Maybe she saw potential in me.  All I know is… is so crazy and twisted.  And funny….in weird way.  I’ve been able to introduce people I love to the world to share their stories.  Like she did for me.  I have been able to encourage and support people.  Like she did.  I will never say I’m like her…..but I’ve been able to honor her life with my actions.

Was there a point to this blog?  I’m not sure.  I’m coming out of my Pink Tie Ball coma.  Life is just crazy sometimes….and after our 2nd time doing this event without Denise….it’s still so emotional.  I’m so grateful for the time I had with her, grateful for the person she helped me become, and grateful for having the chance to continue her mission.  Even if that means I have to talk in front of people.  Maybe my point is…don’t be afraid of what happens, or what can happen.  You aren’t in control….there is a destiny for you.  Sometimes it’s not what you ever expected…..but it can be what you needed.



Katie 🙂

p.s.  I miss you so much Denise.  ❤