Dear Diary….

LOL!!!!  I was terrible at writing in my diary.  Literally….every time I had one it would start out like this…..

Dear Diary,

This time I’m going to be really good about writing in you every day!!!!

Then…..weeks later…..

Dear Diary,

Well…..I guess I wasn’t as good as I wanted.

Then a year later…..

Dear Diary,

Ok, I’m starting over and THIS time I’m going to be really good.

then……well, usually I’d buy a new one and start the whole thing over again! HA!!!!  I even had a super amazing Lisa Frank diary….with a lock 😉 and I was just a bit dramatic back then….of course I’m more sensible now!

So life has been a little crazy the past few months.  The end of the school year, house projects, super busy self employed hubby, and life in general.  I can’t lie and say I didn’t enjoy ignoring my blog for a while….it took off a bit of the pressure I was feeling.  Sometimes life just gets overwhelming and you need to cut some things, or put them on pause, so you can feel a little bit of the weight lifted.  I’ve had some interesting things happen and I can’t wait to start writing about them and getting back to this!  Forgive me for being MIA 😉

This time…..I will be better!!! HAHA!!!

Katie 🙂

The Good Old Days Are Now!

Anyone who knows me knows that I’m obsessed with The Office.  This scene is from the finale and it gets me every time.  It’s so true…..we always look to the past and wish we could go back.

This past month has been one that reminds me of how important it is to live in the moment…to realize what you have before it’s in the past.  Turning 40 was a big deal.  I had mixed emotions about it…..it feels old but I’m also so grateful to have reached this age! I’ve seen levels of support from people that just amazes me, and makes me feel so extremely blessed.  I was surrounded by so much love at the surprise party my husband and close friends put together to celebrate my birthday.  I mean really…..seeing all the people there that mean so much to me and knowing they feel the same…..it was just overwhelming!  And being a finalist in a contest and seeing all my friends and family voting like crazy….just wow!  WOW!!!!

I’ve always been a person who tends to live in the past.  Remembering things that happened, wondering what life would be like if I had changed something.  Wishing I could go back and relive something.  Feeling nostalgic over music or items.  But I watched this episode of The Office recently, and heard this song on the radio that really put this on my heart:

Sometimes we focus too much on the past or the future.  We don’t live enough in the moment….but I’ve been sitting here lately just feeling every day how amazing life is.  And how blessed I am….  Life can be so amazing if we change our focus!

Thank you again to every single person who has been there for me.  I have laughed and loved more this year than I thought was possible! I have several circles in my life….and love each one so much!

 

Katie 🙂

Celebrating Another Year

Sitting here in the final hour of my 40th birthday…..I’m just so extremely grateful.  This was not an age I was overly excited about…..it seemed like such an old age when I was younger…..an age I thought would take forever to reach…..yet hear I am.  I thought I would dread it….each day getting closer.  But I’m ok…..and this is why.

I shouldn’t be here.  Plain and simple.  I had an aggressive horrible disease that almost killed me.  Almost 16 years ago.  It’s just crazy to think that I really was so close to dying…looking back on it now.  I fought so damn hard, and today…..I get to celebrate another birthday.

I can’t complain about my age, there are people who never make it here.  I’m so thankful for this amazing day.  40.  Yikes!!!  It’s still crazy to think……but it’s such a wonderful age!

This was the best one yet.  My incredible husband and amazing friends have been lying to me for weeks…..and pulled off an epic surprise birthday party! I’m telling you….it’s not easy to pull one over on me, and they did it!  I have never felt so loved.

 

This room was filled!!!!! Overwhelmed doesn’t even begin to describe it!  Life long friends.  Family.  People I met because of cancer…..and after.  I’m such a blessed person…..and so very thankful I’m here to celebrate another year!!!  And as a dear friend told me today….40 is a gift!

Katie 🙂

Sometimes….You Just Want To Lay On The Floor.

Sickness is going through my house this week, and today was our second trip to the walk-in clinic.  It’s no fun, and definitely pure torture for kids.  This is my middle daughter….and she was just done.  Didn’t feel good, bored, tired, hungry….just all around miserable.  She decided that laying on the floor was all she needed.  I wanted to speak up and tell her how dirty that floor was and it’s not a good idea…..but it made me remember something.

Years ago….15 years ago, I was going through chemo.  Every 3 weeks on Thursdays I’d get my full dose of it.  It would last until the early evening.  I would then come back on Saturday mornings to get my Neulasta shot.  By Saturday mornings I was done.  Miserable.  Not eating.  Not drinking.  It took everything for me to move, and getting in to a car and sitting at a doctor’s office was not high on my list of happy things to do.  But I went…every time.  My husband would drive me….and we would wait.  There were times I’d throw up there.  Times I’d have to get fluids.  And this one time….while the waiting area was full of people in similar situations….I just couldn’t take it anymore.  I got on the floor and just stayed there.  My husband tried to get me up….the floor is dirty, this is crazy….everything.  But I didn’t care.  It felt so good to just be there.  Not moving, not sitting, and not caring.

It seems so stupid, how something so simple can help, but it truly did.  And this morning, as my poor sick daughter was laying on the floor…I didn’t have the heart to tell her to get up.  She needed that moment…and I let her have it.  I’m sure I’ll be judged….but sometimes in life you just have to do what you need.  And this morning….she needed this and for me not to tell her it was wrong.

Katie 🙂

Love What Matters!

I am beyond thrilled to have my story featured on the Love What Matters website!!!  A chance for my story to be spread further in hopes of reaching anyone who may need to see it!  Check it out!  I’m so excited!!!!

Love What Matters

Katie 🙂

Are You Thankful?

Now….I didn’t ask what you are thankful for…..I was very specific with my question.  Are you actually thankful?

Anyone who has gone through hard times will tell you that it’s not easy to find a reason to be thankful when you are in the moment.  The difficulty you are facing is what consumes your every thought and feeling…..but even in those horrible times, there are reasons to be thankful.

Was I thankful that I went through cancer?  No.  Thankful that I had to go through aggressive treatments that nearly killed me?  No.  Thankful that I’m still living with the effects of cancer treatments today? No.  But I’m here.  And let me tell you, I am thankful for that.  And looking back……I’m thankful for so many other things.

I’m thankful for friends and family that never turned their back on me.  I’m thankful for medical professionals that worked tirelessly to save my life.  I’m thankful that I grew as a person through one of the hardest times of my life.  I’m thankful for the opportunities that have come my way and the friends I have made because of my journey.  I’m thankful.

I know what you are thinking….it’s easy to look back and say you can be thankful, because you are no longer in it.  I know.  You are absolutely right.  We go through horrible awful times….and this post isn’t trying to take away from that.  When we are broken, down, out, defeated, and just done……you don’t want some happy person coming along telling you to count your blessings.  I’ve had those people, and I want to throat punch them.  Everyone gets to have their feelings.  You can sit in them and feel them….but you do have to come out.  That is when you look around you and find at least one thing to be thankful for.  That one thing will keep you going and get you started.

Life is really sucky right now.  Maybe it’s that time of year….or maybe sucky things are just happening all around me right now.  People I love are going through awful things.  People are losing their lives.  People are being diagnosed with diseases that can kill them.  People are facing hardships that can crush them.  I feel it.  I am too.  And it’s so much easier to sink in to my broken heart and stay there.  I’ve been trying every single day to be thankful.  Some days I don’t.  Some days I just can’t.

But I am thankful.  I have a beautiful family, and they are all safe and healthy.  I have food to feed them and a house to keep them in.  I have friends that are like family.  They lift me up when I’m falling.  Right now I have my health, migraines be damned!

I’m no Mary Sunshine….but finding at least one thing to be thankful for while you are going through hell can sometimes give you a glimmer of hope.  And that glimmer is what you go toward to get yourself out of it.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving, where ever you may go.

Katie 🙂

Another year…..

This is something I will always write about…..because it had such a great impact on my life.  Another year will come and go…..without my baby sister.

I’ve talked about her before….we lost her a couple of weeks before her first birthday from meningitis.  It devastated our family.  She would be 29 this year…..and it’s just one of the really weird things that line up for this year…..

I was 10 and in the 5th grade when she passed away 11/9/1990.  I remember the day….it was a half day at school on a Friday.  I was excited to ride the bus home without the high school kids…..we got to sit in the back when they weren’t there.  This year…..my oldest daughter is 10, in the 5th grade, and has a half day this friday, the 9th.  Crazy, eh?  She was also named after my sister, her middle name is Rebecca.  And just a little bit of a stretch….I had Hailey a couple of weeks before I turned 29…..    I can’t help but look at my daughters and the relationship they have with each other.  I’m so extremely thankful I had all girls…..because I missed out on having a sister in my life.  I love seeing them together and knowing they have something so precious.

And at this age……I can look back and see just how many “sisters” I have and had in my life.  They always say that if you can find just a few close friends in your lifetime you have been extremely blessed.  I can say that I’ve had so many amazing women in my life that I can call sister….and even though I still feel heartbroken over the fact I didn’t get to go through life with mine….I’ve had so many women to step in and help fill that void.

So in this anniversary month where I remember my sister, I also count my blessings.  I have 3 beautiful daughters who will get that sister relationship, and I have so many beautiful friends that are like sisters.

Katie 🙂