Those Same Old Feelings….

I was sitting at my daughter’s soccer game a couple of weeks ago, enjoying the cooler air and the kids running up and down the field.  This is my favorite time of year…..I enjoy just about everything about it.  As I was watching though….a familiar smell caught my attention.  It was cologne, one of the dads was wearing.  I was immediately taken back to the time of my cancer treatment….in the fall of 2003.  My husband wore the same cologne…..and now the smell makes me sick.  And even though I love the fall…..sometimes the feel of fall brings on all the ways I felt during that time.

I remember the way the leaves would dance across the road as I drove to my treatments.  I remember the feel of the cool crisp air as I would walk in to the office.  I remember the smells of the chemicals and treatments around me as I sat in my recliner receiving poisons in to my body.  I remember the dark and moody clouds on Saturday mornings when I had to be driven back to get my Neulasta shot.  I remember feeling sick as death as my fiance would get ready to leave for work….and put on that cologne.  All of those smells, sights, and feelings bring it all back.  It makes me sad that I can’t just enjoy this time of year.  I don’t feel it every day, but there are times when the memories hit me and I can close my eyes and be back there!

Every.   Single   Year.  No matter what, or how long it’s been…….it always comes back.  I’m thankful to be out of it…..but those feelings will always linger.  It hangs over my head.  I can’t walk in to any medical facility without getting a touch of upset stomach and flashbacks.  I will still enjoy my hats and sweaters, coffee on the beach, and beautiful fall colors…..and I will reflect on all I’ve been through that has made me who I am now.

 

Katie

I Don’t Hide My Scars….Anymore

I’ve lived my whole life with scars.  Well…..since I was almost a year old, but since I have no memory of that time, I say my whole life.  I’ve told this story more since I went through the cancer thing because it was the time I really started embracing my scars and not caring what people thought. 

I was about 11 months old…..I don’t remember the exact date, obviously, but I was young. I was doing the baby walking thing…..holding on to surfaces to keep myself up, probably grabbing things off of those surfaces and making a mess.  I have 3 kids, I know I was probably the same!  My parents had boiled water for some reason…..I don’t know the reason, just that they did.  I bet you know where this is going……and yes.  I pulled that boiling water all over myself.  I can only imagine the flurry of panic in my house at that moment.  I’ve been told that they were able to get some cold water to my face, which prevented any scarring…..but other parts of me were not so lucky. I had a long recovery time, and spent my life with visible scars. 

babyscar

As a young kid, I didn’t care much about them.  As I was in school…..that’s when the fun started.  Being called Freddy Krueger….made fun of…..teased…..it was always.  And the constant stares.  When someone is talking to you and their eyes dart from your eyes to your scar.  I mean, come on people!  You think we can’t see you when you do that???? 

I started from an early age covering my scars and never letting anyone see them.  Even close friends.  It was too hard, and sometimes too much of a conversation I just didn’t want to have. 

When I was diagnosed with cancer and went through all the surgery and treatment, I added to my collection of scars and body issues.  I even had my wedding dress altered to create some kind of sleeve to cover it. 

But something happened over the years…..I started to care less.  Maybe it came with age and maturity, but I started to go out with tank tops.  Doesn’t sound like a big deal, does it?  BUT IT WAS!!!!!  My arms were free! LOL! I covered myself all the time, there was freedom in revealing to the world what I’ve been through.  I started a slow process of accepting my scars, and even embracing them! I started buying things knowing my scars would be seen.  I’ve gotten a little better at ignoring the eye darting during conversations.  I’ve become so much better at just answering people’s questions about what happened.  Life has become a little more freeing….and it’s so much better.

They say that your scars show you what you have been through that didn’t kill you.  They are evidence of a life lived to it’s fullest and you are still here….showing the world you can’t be stopped.  It’s sad that I came to this realization so much later in life…..but it’s my hope that I can teach my girls to embrace what they go through to help make them stronger and ready to conquer the world. 

Life has been so much fun since I stopped caring. There is freedom in accepting what life has thrown at you and using it to help yourself grow and move forward.  That doesn’t mean I still don’t have  bad days, but overall, I’m happy!  I’m actually considering tattooing the scar on my shoulder to represent all the things I love in my life.  Not sure yet…..but know…..it’s in no way so that I can cover them up and make life easier.  Life became easier once I accepted and embraced that this is me……and it’s all good.

Katie 🙂