I have been blessed with a husband who has supported me through all of my cancer crap. He stayed with me when I was diagnosed, took care of me when I went through treatment, didn’t make fun of me when I was bald, accepted that I was changed, and loved me no matter what. I couldn’t have gone through this all alone. When many people would walk away, he jumped in to the crazy and never looked back. But…..there were many things I thought of during all of this that I never told him. My fears and insecurities. These are some…..
I almost gave him an out. Even though he promised to stay with me, I feared that this would just ruin his life. He was young….he didn’t need to deal with something so big. Many nights when I couldn’t sleep I thought long and hard about this. I loved him….but I wondered if I was wasting his life.
I thought about saying no when he proposed. I’m still amazed that he did….it was the ultimate promise to be with me through it all….and starting with the sickness part! But I wondered if he was only doing it out of pity? Did he really know what a lifetime commitment to me meant with all the cancer stuff involved? Again…..was he going to be wasting his life dealing with a woman who was losing so much and didn’t feel much like a woman anymore?
I was terrified he would be devastated if we couldn’t have kids. My treatment put me in to early menopause and it was never a guarantee that we could have kids. Was this a deal breaker? Should I just let him go so he can find someone who could give him children? It was something we both desperately wanted…and it broke my heart if we couldn’t.
Life hasn’t been easy. There have been many lows…..but also so many highs! I’m so extremely blessed to have my husband by my side. He has literally picked me up and walked me through some awful times. He’s been so patient, understanding, and just plain awesome. But he never knew my fears, and if he did, he’d probably tell me I’m crazy. Which I am….but that’s another post for another day 😉
I’m so thankful to have him……and I try to push my fears aside, because I still have them. They creep up and fill me with worry and sadness. But he’s still here….and I’m blessed.