I wanted to write something about Christmas…..but right now I’m not feeling so festive. Some things have happened in my family, that I won’t go in to, but it’s making my heart hurt and I’m having a hard time letting go of the bad feelings the situation has created. This brings up some memories of times I went through during my cancer treatments….so I will write about that, and how I came through it. I’m hoping it will help me remember it’s possible to work through something that breaks your heart……because it is possible….but right now it feels like too much.
When I was first diagnosed, I received all the appropriate responses and promises of support. At that age though….most of my friends hadn’t dealt with something so serious in life. Maybe I’ve always been prepared better than most, with all the crap I’ve gone through in my life….but that’s another story. I also had people I never expected to be there to show up….which was amazing. You never know how a person will be under pressure or when faced with life’s actual hardships….until it’s there.
I was in full swing wedding planning. I had picked my perfect dress….and was making payments on it. My maid-of-honor was supposed to go with me one day to see my dress and look at bridesmaids dresses. I also would need to make a payment, and at that time during my treatment, I couldn’t drive that far. I needed her, and the plans worked out perfectly! I was excited to start looking at dresses for my girls and spend time with friend. We’d been friends since high school and she was one girl I could be weird with. I’m not a person who likes to keep my silly and weird self hidden, and we got along great. Except…..she always cancelled on me and it always seemed she was hoping for something better to come along. I always pushed those feelings away in hopes I was just paranoid…..but having your mortality staring you in the face makes you see things differently. I didn’t have time for bad people anymore.
The day of this event came and I excitedly waited for her to pick me up. And waited. And waited. I called her cell…several times. Maybe I had the time wrong? Maybe she was dead on the side of the road? After hours…..of nothing…..no calls, no friend, I gave up. My husband (then fiance) offered to drive me, but by the time we would have left they would be closed. I was just devastated. And done. I’d finally had enough. Enough of feeling not good enough, second, forgotten, and just treated badly. And tired of feeling broken-hearted by a person who claimed to love me. Done. I stopped calling. The next day….yes….THE NEXT DAY…..she finally called. I let it go to voicemail. She said….while laughing, I guess I should have called you….blah blah blah. She had no good excuse….just her being her. And I was done. She tried several times to reach me, as I wouldn’t respond. I was finally at that point. And it was sad. I had a hard time not reaching out to her….because for years she was the person I called when things were bad. Or good. Or anything. I made the choice to cut her out, but it didn’t stop be from being sad or missing her. There comes a point when you have to cut out the toxic people from your life, no matter how much you love them. You have to let them go, otherwise they will consume your life with sadness and their own twisted views of relationships.
She was not in my wedding after that…..and didn’t attend. There was more after that initial event, but not much more I want to talk about. It’s not worth it anymore. That is how I know I can get through what is happening right now. Some day I will be able to look back and say…..it’s possible to go on. Right now it hurts so much. To lose a person who makes the decision to hurt and leave…..but I try to remind myself that their actions and decisions reflect more on who they are than who I am. I’m a person who gives many second chances….but when I’m done….I’m done.
Going through cancer taught me a lot about who I am. I love more deeply of those in my life…..but I’m also a lot more picky about who I let in. Life is too short to allow people to bring you down and make you feel less than you are. The people in your life should make you feel accepted, loved, and supported. I’m not afraid anymore to let people go…..no matter how much it hurts at the time.